


Your dry eyes still can cry

by Zaneey



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, I AM SORRY, M/M, Newmannpornfest, also the sex is weird, i wrote this at 3am, prompt, the breakfast scene is so bad, when i realized the deadline was coming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-08-03 04:10:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16318904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaneey/pseuds/Zaneey
Summary: For the Newmannpornfest prompt : Sad/Emotional SexNewt hasn't cried at all since he broke free from the Precursors' control. He feels numb. Except Hermann is here and makes him feel things.I am bad at subtitles lmao.





	Your dry eyes still can cry

Newt hadn’t cried since he broke free completely of the Precursors grip. Hermann couldn’t understand how Newt, being such an emotional person, couldn’t cry after all he went through. 

 

\--

 

He had been held locked up like a prisoner for five months. Three months of being psychologically tortured by the Precursors, three months being treated like a criminal, three months of pain, loneliness and suffering. 

 

When he had been able to walk again, Newt had to do a report to the new Marshall. He said that three months were nothing over ten years of mind control. 

 

Hermann had to grip his cane so hard his knuckles hurt. 

 

He had helped Newt break free by drifting. It was so simple, such an obvious solution, Hermann always had that looming feeling that it was a trap, that the Precursors were still there, that they were on low-profile for now and we're only waiting the chance to strike back --and harder-- but all of the scans and analysis ran on Newt by the medical and scientific teams were positive. Everything was back to normal. 

 

Newt had only cried when he suddenly resurfaced from the back of his mind where he had been tied up. When Hermann saw it, he had removed the PONs helmet from his head. then Newt’s, then took off all of the straps that were containing him and hugged him like his life was at stake. And Newt had cried and cried and cried until he had passed out. 

 

\--

 

His recovery with Hermann left a bittersweet feeling. Everything between them was slow, and Hermann was very caring. Newt couldn’t walk straight away after because of how poorly the Precursors treated his body and he had to be in a wheelchair for a week. Once he had gained a bit more weight, be was able to use crutches, jokingly telling Hermann that now he understood how it felt. However, understandingly, Hermann didn’t laugh. There was nothing to laugh about, and yet, Newt seemed determined to try.

 

Hermann was watching him. Every minutes of their time spent together. And he could see he was getting better, really, but something was still bothering him and that thing was : 

 

Newt didn’t cry. 

 

\--

 

It has been now exactly five months since Newt was brought back. 

 

Hermann stretched in his bed slowly like a cat and rubbed his eyes. He rolled over to grab his phone and check the time. Five o’clock. Once again, he had woken up at this precise time. How he was able to had always been a mystery to him. 

 

Hermann had time to spare. He stood up, took a shower, got dressed, then went to get a breakfast. There, he sat for about an hour, reading the news. When he finished, he came down to the hangars to check on the Jaeger reconstruction. 

 

The PPDC didn’t suddenly stop making Jaegers because the Kaiju threat was gone. In fact, they were even making new ones along the old ones that were still functioning. They asked him to create new coding for a more performant and reactive AI, but he had to take care of Newt first and started to work on it only a month and a half ago. He was infinitely grateful that the Marshall had agreed to leave him some time. She had backed him up during a PPDC reunion and was regularly checking on Newt. Hermann wasn’t sure if she was hiding darker motives but she seemed genuinely concerned and was one of the few not treating Newt like a monster. 

 

That was probably the part Hermann hated the most. Wherever Newt went, people looked at him with disgust, at best with fear, as if he was about to crack their neck open if they spoke a word or even looked at him. The ones frowning every time he was near them insulted him. Every time, Hermann was closer to punching someone in the nose. He really was  _ this close _ .

 

\--

 

Newt opened his eyes in his own quarters and stared at the ceiling. 

 

He had insisted that he had his own, not because he wanted to be alone--that was the last thing he wanted--but to preserve a safe space for Hermann, free from him. A place where he could cut off Newt a bit. Newt knew Hermann, and he knew that if he spent all of his time with him, without any breaks from his caretaker role, it would drive him straight into depression.

 

Because Hermann was so concerned, Newt sometimes felt so insecure. As if he wasn’t worthy of his friend’s attention. 

 

Friend? 

 

Newt wasn’t so sure anymore. 

 

He sat on the edge of his bed, covering his face with his palms. 

 

Once again, just like every morning, he tried to force himself to cry. 

 

He couldn’t. 

 

He remembered the years of mental control, seeing his body act without having any grip over what was happening, being shut off, tied up, tortured, starved, sleep deprived, forced to eat food he  _ loathed _ , forced to act in a way he  _ loathed,  _ being a person he  _ loathed... _

 

He couldn’t cry. 

 

But God only knows how much he tried. How many times. But ever since he broke free, he didn’t cry, not even once. 

 

Not even when Hermann hugged him, not even when Hermann made him a hot bath, not even when he ate a burger for the first time in years, not even when the Marshall treated him not only as a human being but also showed him respect, not even when the same group of dudes started to throw names at him when he had the  _ luck  _ to see them in the Shatterdome or when he caught the scared glare many people were giving him… 

 

Newt was simply, physically, unable to cry. 

 

And that fact alone should’ve made him cry.

 

But of course, he didn't. 

 

Sighing, he stood up, grabbed his crutches near his bed and limped to the bathroom to clean himself up. 

 

Once it was done, Newt looked at his reflection in the tiny mirror above the sink.

He seemed so tired. He  _ was  _ so tired. He couldn’t sleep unless he took a strong dose of narcoleptics. The bags under his eyes were the most obvious signs of his lack of sleep, and his face was still kind of  _ gaunt _ . He had gained a few pounds over the months, but he was still thinner than he had even been. His freckles were barely visible. 

 

Putting a hand under his left eye, he stretched the skin to have a better sight of the deep red circling his iris. Hermann had the same. It wouldn’t seem to go away. It didn’t hurt or anything, it was just there since the first drift in which Hermann had tried to bring him back, according to him. 

 

Newt dressed himself and was about to grab his crutches and exit his quarters when someone knocked at the door. 

 

He couldn’t answer. The door opened itself, revealing Hermann. 

 

“Good morning Newton.” He smiled softly, bouncing awkwardly as he seemed to do a lot recently. “How are you feeling today?”

 

“Hi Herms I uh… I’m okay,” Newt replied with the same smile, leaning on the crutches. “I was about to go and get a breakfast… What time is it?”

 

“Oh, you never check…” Hermann sighed. “It must be… around nine.”

 

“ _ Around?  _ Should I be worried about the fact that you don’t have your watch?”

 

Hermann rolled his eyes and picked his phone from the inside pocket of his suit. 

 

“See? Eight fifty-five.”

 

“Yeah, not nine.”

 

“I said  _ around. _ ”

 

“Whatever you say, Herms,” Newt muttered mockingly as he walked past him. “So, wanna have a breakfast with me or not?” he said, as he walked down the little stairs leading to the corridor. 

 

“Actually, I’ve already had mine. But I can go with you, if you want,” Hermann replied. 

 

“Oh no, don’t bother then.” Newt shook his head. “You have to work on that AI program, the PPDC won’t be so understanding for much longer.”

 

“But-”

 

“I can go have a snack by myself, Herms, I’m not a child,” he tried to reassure his friend. 

 

“You stupid- You know it's not about that!” Hermann snapped, his cheeks becoming slightly red. 

 

Yeah, Newt knew. But he didn’t want to be dependent on Hermann, and he didn't want Hermann to feel like he had to constantly protect Newt. 

 

“Don’t worry, okay? It’ll be alright. I’m gonna grab my food, eat, and come right away to the lab. Does that sound okay to you? It’ll take me like fifteen minutes, no more.”

 

Hermann seemed to consider it, then nodded reluctantly. 

 

“Fifteen minutes. Past that, I’m coming to get you.”

 

“Saying it like that sounds a bit scary, dude.” Newt quirked an eyebrow. 

 

Hermann sighed again and closed Newt’s door. 

 

“You always forget it!” he raised his voice to be heard by Newt limping away. 

 

“But thank the Gods, you’re here!” Newt shouted, shaking his hand in the air. 

 

Hermann stood in the doorway, tugging at his turtleneck’s collar, then headed to the lab. 

 

\--

 

Saying that he was feeling numb was an exaggeration. Newt didn’t feel numb; he could feel emotions like joy, anger or sadness. He just felt them… lessened. Which was just so fucking weird for someone who used to be a emotional elevator. 

 

Newt wasn’t numb, his feelings were simply obstructed by some kind of fog? Yeah, basically, he felt everything less strong than before. 

 

And in all honesty, he didn’t which was better, which was worse. Before, he could feel a lot of emotions in a tiny amount of time and that sometimes was exhausting. Mood swings were shit, but at least it felt like him. Now, it was as if it was  _ polished,  _ no emotional spikes, mood swings or sudden feelings. 

 

It was flat. 

 

And thinking back, Newt realized that if mood swings were shit, they at least made him feel alive, too. 

 

He didn’t feel like he was alive right now. 

 

\--

 

Hermann turned on the computer. He had time over the month to sometimes work for a bit on his code but not much... Newt was taking up a lot of his free time. 

 

Well, he was  _ managing  _ a lot of free time for Newt. 

 

Hermann knew something was off. He knew Newt. And he knew when he lied too. 

 

But mostly, he knew that something was off because of a very simple fact: Newt didn’t cry. 

 

He felt as if he was over-fixating on this detail, but he couldn’t shake it off of his mind. 

 

Sitting at his desk and opening multiple folders, Hermann took his phone to put it next to him. 

 

\--

 

“Heyyy isn’t that our Kaiju fucker!”

 

Newt felt every single one of his hairs raise up. He knew that voice too well, for it has been insulting him since the very first day he heard it.

 

“Hey, cocksucker! I’m talking to you!”

Fucking bastard. Newt had become pretty good at ignoring assholes, that was not the problem. The problem was that this guy and his two other friends approaching him had all a thing in common: they lost their families in the Kaiju Drones attack. 

 

No matter how many times he had ignored them, no matter how many times Hermann had told them politely but sternly to go away and leave him alone, they would always come back. 

 

They sat at his table and one of them picked his coffee to drink it in one loud slurp. 

 

“What again ?” Newt said with a deadpan, already missing his coffee. 

 

“When will you admit it, faggot? Hm?”

 

“Do we have to hurt you in order to get what we want? Because we are so close.”

 

“I don’t know what you want.” Newt sighed, resting his forehead on the back of his hand. 

 

He, in fact, knew. They wanted him to admit… 

 

“We want you to say it  _ out loud  _ !” the leader yelled, standing up abruptly and slamming his large hand on the table, making Newt jump in surprise. 

 

Heads turned to where the scream came from and Newt shrunk back in his chair. 

 

“We want you to say it, say that you  _ killed _ countless of people, you  _ monster _ ! And above all, you  _ destroyed _ countless of families!”

 

A deaf silence fell on the room. Newt looked around frantically. 

 

“And your boyfriend is not here to defend you. You have no choice, you kaiju fucker.”

The men spit their words to Newt’s face. 

 

“I am not-”

 

A rock hard fist collided with his cheekbones. 

 

If Newt had been at the fit of his strength, he would’ve maybe held himself to the table or something. 

 

His shoulder hit the ground as he landed brutally.

 

“Say it!”

 

Newt stood quickly and limped away from them, frowning at the shot of pain running in his legs. 

 

‘’Okay, okay, can we uh, can we not throw fists, please?”

 

“Then SAY IT!”

 

“You’re accusing me of a crime I didn’t commit! I didn’t-”

 

“My ass you didn’t!”

 

Newt grabbed a crutch and waved it at the men, shaking his head. 

 

“I didn’t, I didn’t, it wasn’t me,” he stammered, eyes wide. 

 

“Oh yeah? Who activated the order then?”

 

Newt felt nauseous and almost slammed his hand on his mouth, falling to his knees.

 

“It wasn’t me, I swear…”

 

‘’SAY IT!”

 

Newt grabbed at the fabric of his sweater, rocking back and forth and muttered shakily. 

 

“I-I did it, I ah am a-a monster… I-” his voice broke down in a strangled sound and yet, he wasn’t crying. “I... killed… all these people… I’m a murder-”

 

“NEWT!”

 

Newt raised his head at the sound of Hermann’s angry and worried voice.

 

“H-Herms I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m-” he tried to explain, his hands shaking.

 

One of the men groaned and turned to Hermann. 

 

“No let him, please…” Newt said in a weak voice. 

 

Hermann seemed pissed over the boundaries. And God only knew how far they extended. 

 

Everyone was dead silent. 

 

“I’ve already told you, gentlemen, to let him  _ be _ ,” Hermann warned in a tone that was colder than the Arctic. 

 

“Like we’d listen to a cripple like you, you two are fucking faggots and you should be glad this  _ heresy _ is allowed nowadays otherwise I would’ve punched you already!”

 

Hermann threw himself directly towards the leader and his fist landed exactly on the middle of his face in a pleasant  _ crack  _ from the man’s nose. Newt saw him fall on the floor and opened his mouth. 

 

“WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE !” the loud Marshall’s voice toned and echoed in the room. 

 

The three men turned to her, in one move and Hermann helped himself up, leaning on his cane. Newt stayed still on the floor, his cheek itching painfully. 

 

“How unworthy of you three, you should be  _ ashamed _ !” 

 

“He is a MURDERER!” the leader yelled. “HE KILLED THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE AND HE IS LIVING HERE AS IF HE WAS INNOCENT!” the man pointed a finger towards Newt. “THIS MAN SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO BE CONSIDERING THE CRIME HE COMMITED!” 

 

The Marshall was now heading quickly to him, a worried look on her face. Hermann stepped closer to Newt and grabbed him under the arm to help him getting up. 

 

“Officer Östeen, you are making a scene.” she tried to calm him down. 

 

“HE  _ KILLED _ MY DAUGHTER, MARSHALL!” his voice broke on his last word and he covered his face with his palm, starting to sob silently as his shoulders began to shake. 

 

Newt looked at him with surprise as he stood up, putting his weight on the crutches. He didn’t think the guy would break down in front of everyone. It made him feel bad. So bad. He felt his stomach ache and his face frown. But he still didn’t cry. His eyes were dry as fuck. 

 

The two other men didn’t know what to do, they seemed on the verge of breaking down too and just held their leader for a brief moment before leaving the room. 

 

The Marshall joined them. 

 

“He has lost everything in the attack and so did a lot of people. However, please know that I do not approve his actions. I will see him and Officers Ashlee and Breu in my office.” she said sternly before nodding and leaving too. 

 

Newt panted and felt his legs buckle under his weight. Hermann had somehow anticipated it, because he grabbed the chair and half shoved Newt in it as he was barely standing anyways. 

 

‘’Whew that… that was something.”

 

Silently, Hermann was gathering what had been spread of Newt’s breakfast on the plate. Conversations resumed, and the room became as loud as it was before. 

 

Hermann turned to him. 

 

“Can you walk? Or do I have to get you the wheelchair?” he asked. “It’s okay if you need it,” he added in a softer voice. 

 

Newt’s hands were shaking less and less. He swallowed and looked at Herman. 

 

“I can walk. But I can't carry the plate…”

 

“Well, I will,” Hermann replied, jamming his cane under his armpit and taking the tray. 

 

“But… Don’t you-?”

 

“I’m fine. I really am. I took painkillers earlier today so I am okay, Newton.”

 

Newt nodded slowly. He took his crutches and stood up, following Hermann out of the room. 

 

“By the way, you did call me  _ Newt,  _ I didn't dream that, right?” 

 

\--

 

‘’You know... “ Newt started, putting away the tray empty of any food, watching Hermann writing some complex calculations on his chalkboard, “That thing you did earlier, punching the dude right in the nose…” he shifted awkwardly in his seat. “That was sexy.”

 

Hermann paused in his writing then carried on.

 

‘’Yes, well, I’ve had a physical  _ need  _ to punch this man for one or two months now. It was only fair,” he replied in a nonchalant voice, open and closing his slightly hurt fist on which the knuckles were red. 

 

Newt chuckled.

 

The silence of lab was now only disturbed by the sound of chalk. Newt looked around. It had taken him quite some time to get used to the lack of ‘’sides’’. The Precursors had quickly disposed of all of Newt’s experiments, now useless. Every single one of his belongings had been destroyed during the Mega Kaiju’s attack. His apartment was on the monster’s trajectory and, so certain they would succeed, the Precursors didn’t care about that minor detail (not that they cared about anything, at all).

 

Newt observed Hermann. He was lean but not thin: you could see the slight musculature underneath the layers of fabric as he was writing, his whole body moving along with his hand. Newt didn’t know how to put it in words, but some sort of  _ energy  _ was emanating from him, a stubbornness, a  _ presence.  _

 

It was the cold season. Hermann was wearing a turtleneck under a suit jacket. Newt had never seen him change his style over the ten years they worked together. Never. He was always wearing the same kind of clothes. 

 

And another ten years had passed. 

 

Now, Hermann sometimes wore turtlenecks, sometimes buttoned-up shirts, sometimes simple tops that let his neck be seen and each time, Newt couldn’t help but stare. 

 

Now, the collar of the turtleneck was brushing at the base of Hermann’s hair, flashing skin whenever he turned to look at something else. 

 

Newt saw him cough and shiver. Hermann had what seemed to be a permanent cold. He was sick all the time. 

 

There was places in the Shatterdome that weren’t heated, and the lab, according to the Marshall, was one of them for now. She told Hermann that it would be fixed soon. 

 

_ Well, during that time, Hermann has to live 24/7 on painkillers and have a constant cold.  _ Newt thought, resting his hand in his palm, elbow leaning on the table.  _ This frigid temperature is killing his hip, taking painkillers isn’t the solution and he knows it, but our sweet PPDC has apparently no interest in giving us a fucking  _ heater,  _ they just redirect all of the fundings to Jaeger reconstruction. Yeah that's right, who needs a heater when it’s only -5° outside ? It’s no problem if he can’t even walk without being on meds, as long as he can think. _

 

And as if it wasn’t enough, the lights weren’t working properly, giving the lab a dim lighting, like some kind of twilight, and in order to see, Hermann had to bring a few lamps he fixed over the chalkboard. It gave it a nice atmosphere, to be honest. It just wasn’t very professional, since it made the lab feel more like a library in the evening rather than a lab with serious people in it. 

 

With a sigh, Newt leaned on the table and let his forehead rest on it. He was worried about Hermann. He knew he was a strong man, but Hell, he had been put through some shitty stuff over the past years. 

 

For a start, he had to live without knowing the reason to Newt’s leaving. They had talked about this, briefly; Hermann didn’t understand, he tried to, but never did. He told Newt that he had cried, wondering what he had done wrong, what mistakes had been done. He had thought that Newt just didn't wanted him anymore, just like everyone else. He had told him he had been angry, at first, then only depressed, and he had cried again telling all of this to Newt. Newt had hugged him tight, stroking his hair. 

 

Hermann then had to literally bring him back from the Precursors. It had been a weary fight of endurance and patience. Newt wasn’t conscious at that time, he didn't feel the drift until the very end, but Hermann told him he had to struggle not to be taken away by the Precursors. He had to reach for him in the complete darkness. And he did. Newt owed him his life. 

 

It struck him instantly. 

 

How come he’d never realized?

 

Hermann saved his life.

 

Newt sat up straighter.

 

“Hey, Hermann?” he called.

 

Hermann didn’t answer right away, but finally nodded, emitting a small noise to indicate he was listening. 

 

“Hermann, look at me,” Newt said in a serious tone. 

 

This was unusual enough for Hermann, and he half-turned to look at Newt. 

 

“Yes, Newton? What is it?” he replied, his brows slightly furrowed as he stopped writing. 

 

Newt hesitated then took his crutches and walked to his friend who did the same. They met halfway and Newt swore, if it were colder, he would’ve seen their breath. 

 

“What… what did you want to tell me?”

 

Newt didn’t plan on it getting… awkward like that. But he didn’t step back. 

 

“Thank you,” he only said, looking at Hermann in the eyes. 

 

Hermann breathed through his mouth, not knowing what to say. 

 

“What for?” he asked in a half tone. 

 

“For saving my life,” Newt replied on the same voice level. “For doing so much for me. For being here.”

 

It was oddly intimate. Hermann laid a hand on his torso, then moved to his left cheek and stroke it gently. 

 

“You don’t need to thank me for this…” he whispered, his thumb rubbing on Newt’s stubble. “I would do anything for you…” He mouthed, gazing at Newt’s lips.

 

Newt was a fast thinker. He also was a man of action. He closed the distance between them by putting a hand on Hermann’s neck and kissed him. 

 

Their lips had only just touched when the loud clatter of the crutch hitting the ground made them jump in surprise, and Newt screamed in a sharp squeaky noise. That itself scared Hermann more than the clatter and he took a few steps back, a hand on his heart. 

 

“ _ Shit! _ ” he hissed through gritted teeth. 

 

Newt leaned heavily on his crutch left, ready to fall. Hermann exhaled slowly then picked up the the crutch to hand it to Newt. He hesitated, then took it, not looking at his friend. 

 

“I… I ruined the moment, didn’t I ?”

 

“A bit,” smiled Hermann. “But you can fix that.”

 

Newt raised his head, eyebrows quirked, waiting. Hermann rolled his eyes so high they disappeared momentarily under his eyelids, sighing, and without a warning, he gently grabbed Newt by the back of his head and bent to kiss him. 

 

Newt almost dropped his crutches to hold Hermann in his arms but remembered that 1) he needed them and 2) it’d probably ruin the moment again, so he just responded fervently to the kiss, slightly opening his mouth to let Hermann’s tongue in. He slid his free arm around Newt’s waist at the same time and held him closer. Newt couldn’t resist and groaned against Hermann’s mouth. 

 

“Droppin’ em babe… Hold me… ”

 

The crutches fell and neither of them jumped as Newt slid his arms under Hermann’s, clenching his fists in the fabric of his suit at the shoulders. Immediately, he felt the grip of his friend’s arm around his waist tighten, holding him up. It was reassuring.

 

They broke the kiss, needing air, and stuck their foreheads together, eyes closed, simply breathing. After a while, they smiled and it turned into soft laughter. 

 

“It took us ten years, I can’t believe it!” Newt exclaimed, eyes wide. 

 

“We are such disasters, my God,” Hermann sighed, a huge grin on his face. 

 

Newt laughed, about to reply when his legs buckled under him and Hermann held him the best he could.

 

It would happen from time to time: his legs would no longer support him. There was no problem with his legs whatsoever, though, according to his doctor, it was only an effect of the trauma. Just like his red eye or his hands shaking sometimes for no reason at all. It all was because of the trauma, apparently. Next assumed his incapacity to cry was also one of these aftereffects, but he didn’t mention it to his doctor, ever. 

 

“Oops, sorry, shit,” Newt apologized as he let himself smoothly sit on the ground. 

 

“It’s okay, darling.” Hermann winced as he sat next to him. 

 

Newt took the crutches and put them on his side as Hermann moved closer to him, putting a hand under his jaw to turn his head and kissing him again. 

 

Newt lingered in the feeling of this simple kiss, lips against lips, closing his eyes. Hermann ran a hand through his hair, slightly tugging on it, and he whined, putting an arm around the other man’s shoulders. Hermann tugged harder, breaking away from Newt’s lips to kiss him at the corner of his mouth and go lower, kissing his jaw and adam’s apple. 

 

Hermann had hand between Newt’s shoulder blades, another in his hair, and Hermann was crooning between kisses. 

 

“You have no idea… for how long… I’ve wanted this… Newt… God…”

 

Newt, moaning, took a shaky breath, completely turned on. 

 

Hermann stopped kissing and climbed over him, slowly pressing Newt down and laying on top of him

 

“Ha, Herms…” he breathed as Hermann sl ida hand under his shirt. “ _ Fuck  _ I would’ve… never think… you were-” he bit his lip when a thumb brushed over his right nipple. 

 

He used to have nipple piercings. Of course, the Precursors had them removed, just like his little black earplugs, but it somehow had stayed a sensitive zone. 

 

“H-Herms!” Newt giggled when Hermann brushed his fingers on his sides with a smile. “Oh, okay, hey!” Newt hit his forearm to get his attention. “As turned on as I am, we are not doing this on the floor, you  _ animal. _ ” He smiled, rolling to escape the prison of Hermann’s arms.

 

Hermann sat then stood up, his cheeks red and his suit all messed up. Newt managed to stand up by himself and leaned on the crutches. 

 

“Plus, I’m not getting naked in that…” he scowled with a shiver. “...badly lightened _igloo.”_

 

Hermann paused and looked at him like he had seen something particularly out of place. 

 

“Do you hear yourself speaking? That sounded very  _ cranky  _ for you.”

 

“What? No! I just don’t wanna-” Newt sighed. “Nevermind dude, let’s just uh. Let’s-” he laughed.

 

\--

 

As soon as Hermann’s bedroom door shut, Hermann laid Newt on his bed and began to kiss him again, caressing his sides as he climbed on him. Newt gripped the suit coat before making Hermann take it off so he could slide his hands under the turtleneck’s fabric and feel skin under his fingertips, the muscles…

 

Hermann changed his position and their groins brushed against each other, making them both moan. He made Newt remove his vest and shirt all at once as he took off his turtleneck. Newt ran his hands over Hermann’s chest.  _ This _ hadn’t changed. For all the rare times he had seen it, Hermann’s chest still looked pretty much the same.

 

Newt grabbed Hermann’s wrist and made them both roll over so that he could nuzzle in his friends neck, running his hands on his torso as he left trails of kisses. Hermann sighed deeply, shuddering, caressing Newt’s back. 

 

The soft atmosphere of noises from kisses, breaths and blankets got interrupted by Newt’s yelp when Hermann grabbed a handful of his ass. 

 

“Hmm-Hermann!” 

 

“Yes?” Hermann replied, seeming deadly serious as he was  _ kneading _ Newt’s ass cheek. 

 

“You-You-” he couldn’t help but feel his face become hot and red. “You are… so straight forward, I don't know, it’s like, very weird, but also super arousing?”

 

“Is it? I think I got this from you.”

 

“But h-”

 

“Drifting,” Hermann muttered as he went to kiss him.

 

No man was allowed to have a voice like this. Yes, Newt had always thought drifting was sexy and hot but it also had almost been his demise, so his interest in drifting had been… lessened. However, it was the same drifting with Hermann that had saved him. 

 

Newt stuck himself even closer to Hermann and swore to never let him go. 

 

“Newt…” Hermann whispered, kissing his forehead and stroking his ass. ‘’Newt I-I want… you…”

 

As he said those words, Newt saw him redden, and a huge grin spread on his face. 

 

“Ha! I love that color on your cheekbones!” 

 

Hermann made a noise with his lips and gently slapped his butt. 

 

“ _ Please don’t.”  _

 

“No but seriously! I was like ‘’wow what the fuck this a totally new person here whaaaaat’ but when you blush like that, I find my old Hermann!”

 

Hermann didn't bother to answer, and to make Newt shut up, he literally grabbed his erection through his jeans. A small strangled noise died in Newt’s throat as his eyes grew wider and a lewd moan escaped his mouth. Hermann stroke his dick through the fabric, kissing Newt who, at the same time, was bucking his hips to push himself against Hermann’s hand. 

 

Gripping desperately at his partner’s shoulders, Newt took a shaky breath before sliding a hand down too and cupping Hermann’s own erection. It made him groan, which was the goal, and Newt quickly adapted himself to Hermann’s pace. 

 

_ Fuck he seems big…  _ Newt thought with excitement. 

 

Hermann paused a short time before getting back to his action. But when Newt wanted to slide a hand under his partner’s pants, Hermann stopped him. 

 

“Newt... There is no rush, we can take our time…”

 

“Weren’t you saying earlier that you craved this or something?”

 

Hermann seemed to think about it for a second before answering. 

 

“Maybe, but I think it’s important we take it slow.”

 

“Yeah, yes, totally, me too! But like, how slow?”

 

Hermann sat on the edge of the bed and stood up. 

 

“We uh, we are not gonna…?” Newt asked, rolling on the bed to sit too.

 

Hermann quirked an eyebrow, in the bathrooms entrance. 

 

“I am just taking painkillers. If we’re going to do this, I don’t want it to be brutally interrupted by a cramp.”

 

“Oh! Oh.” Newt was somehow reassured. “But didn’t you take one this morning?”

 

“If you consider two AM the morning, yes. I had an insomnia episode so I only went to bed late -or early- and took them at this time. But now it seems they're starting to wear off.”

 

“Hmm, yes, about that…” Newt started, “Don’t you think it’s bad for your liver to live 24/7 on painkillers? I mean, I’ve seen you taking a lot of them. I know it’s because the cold is killing your leg, but, yeah, isn’t it dangerous?”

 

“You know, my liver is already screwed and ready for the trash: I’ve been taking medication since I was a child, it’s not even viable for transplant,” Hermann answered before swallowing the pills. “Plus, you will notice I have stopped telling you that you weren’t taking your medication on a regular basis either.”

 

“But it’s not the same! ADHD meds and painkillers don’t have anything in common!”

 

In the mirror above the sink, he saw Hermann examining his red eye. 

 

“You’ve changed so much. The Hermann I knew would've gone through the pain…”

 

“Yes, well, ten years have passed, Newt, I’ve changed, situations have changed…”

 

Newt looked down, feeling himself frown. “That’s right, I didn’t change an iota. I am the same as the day I left you. But you’ve aged…” he sighed. “ _ Shit. _ ” he brushed a hand over his face. 

 

Hermann came back in the room, unbuckling his belt.

 

“You are not and you know it. I’m sorry, why not put that aside, darling?” he proposed in a soft voice and a little smile. 

 

Newt nodded and added in a half voice:

 

“I love it when you call me ‘’darling’’…”

 

“I love it when you call me ‘’babe’’...”

 

Hermann sat on Newt’s lap, now only in his briefs, cupping his face in his hands. Newt did the same and he made them topple backwards on the bed in with little “ _ ompf _ ”. 

 

They looked each other in the eyes for a instant. Newt could feel his heart beat fast in his chest and all he could think was ‘’ _ this is happening this is happening right now you’ve wanted this for years when you worked with him and now it’s happening oh my God _ ”.

 

“Newton?” Hermann’s voice brought him back to reality. “What are you thinking about?” he asked, resting on Newt. 

 

“I, I was thinking…” Newt swallowed. “I was telling myself that I’ve wanted this for… a very long time. Back when we were working together… And that now… It's happening…”

 

Hermann rose up, leaning on his elbows with blank face, and Newt raised his head. 

 

“Wha-?”

 

“We are  _ utter morons.” _

 

_ “No.  _ Don’t tell me you too you…?”

 

Hermann nodded, and Newt let his head fall backwards with a groan, covering his eyes with his arm. 

 

“Holy shiiiiit we’re so fucking stupiiiid!” 

 

Hermann leant to kiss him and Newt removed his arm from his face to put it on Hermann’s back, deepening the kiss. 

 

They managed to kick off Newt’s jeans and their underwear as they were kissing, then Newt laid Hermann under him, covering him with kisses and brushing his fingers over his skin. Hermann’s chest was raising up quicker along his breath as Newt was going further down on his torso to his navel. He felt the head of his dick brush against Newt’s throat and he let out a moan. 

 

“Newt… Newt please…”

 

“What…?” Newt smiled, looking down at his big, throbbing big, then up to Hermann’s red face. “Where has you confidence gone babe, ask away...”

 

“Y-You know what… I mean…” Herlann shivered. 

 

As his partner answered, Newt took one of his hands to bring it slowly to his face. When he felt Hermann shiver, he took two fingers and sucked them, looking Hermann right in the eyes. 

 

Newt didn't think Hermann could get redder, but he definitely did, and Newt’s tongue swirled between the two fingers he put deep inside his mouth. Hermann’s long fingers brushed on the palate of his mouth and he could clearly imagine his dick would even go further. This thought made his dick twitch and he moaned around Hermann’s hand, closing his eyes. 

 

“Newton… Please… S-Suck my… Dick…” Hermann breathed heavily. 

 

Newt let go of his fingers but held his hand. 

 

“Okay,” he muttered. “Sit, I know what I’m doing.”

 

Resting himself on his elbows, Hermann sat his with legs folded and Newt went on all fours, his head between his legs. With a little smile at Hermann’s confused expression, he guided his hand to his ass and suggestively wiggled his eyebrows. 

 

Understanding flashed on Hermann’s face and a sly smile appeared, a smile that turned Newt on so much that he moved his ass towards Hermann’s slick fingers. 

 

“You want it, don’t you?”

 

“Yeah, roles switched,” Newt breathed, peering at the big cock right in front of his face. “I don't know if I’m gonna fit this entire thing in my mouth, dude,” he chuckled.  _ And even less in my ass, you’re so big,  _ he thought to himself. “But I’ll try ?”

 

“Good,” Hermann whispered as he pushed one finger inside Newt. 

 

At first, the unusual feeling made him tense a bit but Hermann’s hand in his hair made him relax slightly. As he felt the finger pushing inside him, Newt slowly licked Hermann’s dick from the base to the head. 

 

The moan he caused was worth being finger fucked on all fours so Newt did it again. This time, he was the one to whine loudly as Hermann added a second finger. 

 

“Ah, hm,  _ shit.  _ O-Okay, I get it.”

 

He let his jaw slack and without any warning, he slid Hermann’s cock in his mouth as far as he could. 

 

Hermann let his head fall backward as he groaned feverishly, curling his fingers inside Newt and clenching his fist in his hair, tugging at it. Newt arched his spine as Herman’s fingers brushed against his prostate, letting out a lewd strangled noise because of the dick in his mouth. Hermann looked at him a split second and brushed his sensitive spot again. Newt writhed and whined in a squeaky voice, feeling the head of his partner’s dick in his throat. 

 

Hermann’s hips moved slightly and Newt almost choked. Hermann stopped, concerned, but Newt took him deeper and Hermann had to bite his lip to not whine loudly. He managed to add a third finger and Newt began to literally fuck himself on Hermann’s fingers as he sucked Hermann, moaning around his dick. 

 

‘’Newt… talk to me…” Hermann sighed, letting go of Newt’s hair to rest some of his weight on his arm slightly behind him, his palm flat on the mattress. 

 

Newt raised his head with a  _ pop  _ but Hermann shook his head, curling his fingers inside of Newt to prevent him from moving. 

 

“H-How am I supposed…”

 

But he couldn't finish his sentence, as Hermann pushed a fourth finger inside him. 

 

“AH! Ah _fuck!”_ he yelped. “Hermann! T-t-too much!” he stammered, shaking and breathing erratically, cheeks bright red. 

 

He gobbled his whole dick, and Hermann withdrew his fourth finger. 

 

“See, when you want.”

 

“...h’ckin’ p’vert…”

 

“I beg your pardon, darling, did you say something ?” Hermann asked in a very posh voice, a shit-eating smile on his face.

 

“Y’re ah ah’hole.” Newt groaned, scraping his teeth very lightly on Hermann’s dick. 

 

Hermann’s fingers hit his prostate again and Newt squealed, shutting his eyes as he felt his dick leak pre-come. He raised his head, looking up teary-eyed at Hermann, drool and pre-come from his cock dripping of his chin, his cheeks red. 

 

“P-Please Hermann f-fuck me ah, I’m so ready…” he asked in a shaky voice. 

 

Hermann considered him then slowly withdrew his fingers and wiped them on the bed sheets. 

 

“Okay, lay down,” he said softly, taking a piece of the sheet to dry Newt’s chin. 

 

Newt let him do then rolled and fell, his hands on each sides of his head. Hermann switched on the little lamp on the drawer and stood up to go and switch off the big lamp above them. He then went back on the bed, on top of Newt and slowly reached for his hands, intertwining their fingers. 

 

“Softer?” Newt whispered.

 

“Softer,” Hermann replied on the same tone, light casting contrasted shadows on his skin. 

 

He bent over to rummage inside his bedside drawer to find lube and poured some in his hand. He then spread it on his dick, shivering slightly and put it back on the drawer. 

 

Newt spread his legs and locked them around Hermann’s hips. 

 

“Are you ready?” Hermann asked almost inaudibly, leaning over.

 

“Yeah,” Newt mouthed. 

 

He felt Hermann push inside of him and contracted before remembering he had to loosen up if he wanted to fit it all inside. Newt exhaled slowly, screwing his eyes shut.

 

“Dude, you’re  _ big _ ,” he whispered. 

 

Not that he had doubted that. 

 

Hermann leant and kissed him, slowly then with more energy as he started pounding inside of him. Their lips were searching for each other’s, their tongues met and waltzed in a wet ballet as they breathed the other’s oxygen. 

 

Newt whined when Hermann hit his prostate and his dick twitched on his belly. Hermann let go of one of his hands to grab his erection and stroke him on the same pace as his thrusts. 

 

He felt whole. Like a part had gone missing and he just found it. It felt right. Like they were two piece of one puzzle. He had missed Hermann so much. Even after those  _ five _ months spent together, Newt still felt the ten years of absence, deprived from the man he had, he knew it now, loved since the very beginning. 

 

He felt a bittersweet sensation inside of his guts, at the very core of his being. but he couldn't quite place it. 

 

Hermann kissed his cheeks, his nose, his closed eyelids, his forehead, just as if he was trying to kiss every single one of his freckles. He moved to Newt’s throat and sucked a hickey at the base of his collarbone, then kissed his clavicle on its length to his shoulders on which he seemed again to try and kiss every freckles. 

 

“I love you... “ Hermann whispered, voice soaking of strangled emotion. “I love you so much…” he mouthed on Newt’s torso, pecking kisses at his sternum. “Newton oh God…” he nuzzled in his throat, rubbing his nose against the hot skin. “I missed you... so much…” 

 

He went back to face Newt, his pace slow. Newt felt like someone was pressing his throat. Hermann stuck their foreheads together, taking a ragged breath. 

 

Newt's eyes, previously half-opened, grew wider at the same time. He could feel it. Through… through the drift. He could feel Hermann. He could feel… 

 

He could feel his love. 

 

His love for him. 

 

This solar love, pure, unaltered after all those years, even stronger since recently. It was shining in Newt’s head, filling him with warmth. 

 

Hermann probably felt it the bond, too, because he took a shaky breath, but before he got the chance to say anything, Newt felt his face distort and water fill his eyes before beading up on his cheeks. 

 

Hermann cut the connection when he noticed Newt had started to sob silently and it felt absolutely  _ terrible, _ like he was ripped off.

 

“Newt?  _ Scheiβe  _ did I hurt you I’m so sorry!”

 

Newt looked at him with a smile that turned immediately into a frown, and then he sobbed out loud. 

 

“Newton what is it darling?” Hermann asked, slightly panicking, cupping his face in his hands. “Answer me what is happening?”

 

Newt took a ragged breath. 

 

“I-I felt it, I, the drift, your… your love, I felt it, you said you loved me and, I don’t know, I-I don’t know, I started to cry…”

 

He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, crying out loud now. Hermann slid his arms under him to raise him up and made him lean on his lap, legs slightly folded so that Newt was above him. 

 

“I l-love y-you too, H-Hermann!” he sobbed loudly, his face all scrunched up. “I-I mi-missed you so-so badly I re-mem-ber I wan-wanted to s-see you s-so badly I-I c-couldn’t a-and now I-” he took a real look at Hermann, who was watching him so sadly that Newt couldn’t hold it back anymore.

 

He tilted his head back and cried, eyes closed. He cried for all those years he had passed repressing his feelings, he cried for all those years away from any feelings, he cried for all those years during which the only thing that kept him sane was Hermann, thinking about Hermann, thinking that someday he’d see him again. He cried for when the feeling of surrender hit him again, when he had realized that struggling was useless and that the precursors had won. He cried for all of the tortures he had to endure in his own mind, he cried for every single life that had died because of him…

 

Water was flowing wildly on his cheeks, his arms sagging along his body as Hermann held him as tight as he could.  He himself let a few tears escape from his eyes, his face buried in the crook of Newt’s neck, one hand holding him on the waist and the other stroking the back of his neck. 

 

“I am so sorry Newton, I am so sorry you had to live this, I am so sorry…” he kept saying, his voice choking on emotions. 

 

They stayed like that until Newt put his arms around Hermann’s shoulders, still shaking from time to time. Slowly, Hermann laid him down, wiping his wet cheek with his thumb. 

 

“I’m so sorry Hermann, I totally ruined the mood…” Newt muttered, looking away. 

 

“It’s fine, don’t worry.” Hermann laid on Newt, still inside him. “Do you want to… keep going or-”

 

“Yes. Please. Make love to me Hermann, make me feel…” he sniffed shakily. “...whole again, I-I’m begging you, I need you inside me, please, I love you so much” he sobbed, clinging to his lover. “I love you so fucking much,” he added lower. 

 

Hermann kissed him deeply, rolling his hips. Newt made a small noise as Hermann’s thumbs brushed his nipples. 

 

“Ah, ah yes, Herms…”

 

His dick quickly hardened between them, leaking. Hermann hit his prostate and Newt, now oversensitive, writhed and moaned, his toes curling up as a wave of pleasure washed through him. He saw Hermann above him biting his lip and put a hand on the back of his head to kiss him fiercely. 

 

Hermann’s thrusts became faster, more heated. Newt was moaning feverishly, his chest raising along his chaotic breathing. It was so good, it seemed so new, he had never had sex this powerful before, never. It made his head feel dizzy.

 

Another powerful wave of pleasure travelled his body from his lower belly and his forehead met abruptly Hermann’s. ‘’I’m... close Herms, I won’t… won’t last for long…”

 

“Me, ah… me too…”

 

Newt whined lewdly, stretching his neck as pleasure was building up at its unbearable. 

 

He could feel Hermann, he could feel his mind, his heart, his pace, his  _ energy _ , and, unconsciously, Newt settled everything that was his along with what was Hermann’s. He felt it when Hermann was about to come and they both did at the same time, moaning and half-crying.

 

“Ah, aaah I _love you!_ ”

 

Hermann fell sloppily on Newt, their bodies sticking together with the come on Newt’s belly. 

 

“ _ Yuck, _ ” Newt croaked in a husky voice. 

 

Hermann exhaled through his nose with a smile. 

 

“We’ll take care of this later.”

 

Newt sniffed, wiping his tears and put an arm over Hermann’s body. 

 

“I love you...” he whispered, his eyes closing themselves. “You have no idea…”

 

“I actually do…” Hermann mouthed, already half asleep. “I love you too…”

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liekd it! it comes from my entrails.


End file.
